Jokes: Post 'Em Here

[Johnny Dangerously]

BAR BET
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......

[Johnny Dangerously]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read . "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ..."'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'"

[Johnny Dangerously]

NOTE: I mean no disrepect by this joke. It was sent to me by my father-in-law; a retired Air Force officer.

Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career.

However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers."

Tom replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it."

"That's what I like to hear," his boss said. "However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?"

"Yes. I did retire from the Air Force, and I'm mighty proud of it!" said Tom.

"Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss.

"They said, 'Good morning, General'."

[Alloy Dave]

You may regret starting this thread....I know hundreds of jokes....

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

:bangin:

[JonW]

A long one, but one of my all-time favorites:

Jack, a famous big-game hunter, is getting old and wants to bag a wombat before he retires. So he goes to Africa, hires a guide, and they trek off into the bush in search of a wombat. Jack notices that the guide has a .45 on his belt, and is accompanied by a pit bull. When Jack inquires about them, the guide only says, "You see".

Wombats live in trees, so they finally come across a tree with a wombat in it. The guide hands the .45 to Jack and climbs to the top of the tree. A terrible fight ensues, and the wombat comes flying out of the tree and lands on the ground next to Jack. The pit bull immediately runs over and grabs the wombat's balls in his mouth. When the guide climbs down from the tree, Jack tells him that he would really like to have a bigger wombat. The guide says no problem, the pit bull releases the wombat, and they head off to find another tree.

They come across a second tree, and the same scenario happens. The guide hands the .45 to Jack, climbs the tree, a fight ensues, the wombat comes flying out of the tree, and the pit bull chomps down on the wombat's balls. When the guide climbs down out of the tree, Jack tells him that he would like a healthier wombat than this one, so they go off in search of another tree.

The same thing happens. But this time, instead of the wombat flying out of the tree, it's the guide. And on the way down, he yells at Jack, "Shoot the dog!"

[JonW]

A blonde is in need of some money, so she walks up to a house and rings the doorbell. When the man of the house answers, she tells him that she wants to make some money, and would paint his house for him. The man replies that the house doesn't need to be painted, but the porch does. He tells her that the paint is in the shed out back, and goes back inside to watch TV.

Soon, the doorbell rings. The blonde announces that she is finished, and in fact, had enough paint to apply two coats. She tells the man that he owes her $50. Thinking he got off pretty cheaply, he quickly pays her.

"Oh, and by the way", the blonde tells him, "that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari."

[JonW]

A blonde hears some noise outside her house and fears that it might be a burglar trying to break in. So she calls 911 all in a panic. The dispatcher tells her not to worry, that an officer will be there very quickly.

A K9 unit is only a few blocks away, so he handles the call. The blonde hears her doorbell ring, and when she answers the door, she sees the K9 officer and his dog.

"That's just swell", she says. "I need help and they send a blind policeman."

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by Alloy Dave

You may regret starting this thread....I know hundreds of jokes....

That's why I started it Dave. Especially for you.

[Johnny Dangerously]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing
with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain,
nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: 'Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[black vert ss]

Hey that last joke was real ass kickin

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by black vert ss

Hey that last joke was real ass kickin

We need a smilie for the rim shot sound. Ba bum bum teesh.

[Joe G]

Originally Posted by Johnny Dangerously

We need a smilie for the rim shot sound. Ba bum bum teesh.

Ask, and The Family will provide!










(and be careful when searching for "rim shot" at work! Don't want the boss around when some of the sites found come up! )

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by Joe G

Ask, and The Family will provide!



(and be careful when searching for "rim shot" at work! Don't want the boss around when some of the sites found come up! )

Thanks Joe. NGs internet Nazis won't even let us stream in audio, let alone do searches for smilies.

[Alloy Dave]

JD, good one about the mule...I liked that. :mafia20smile:


Here's one fer ya, I think HSURbinator will like this one...

A chicken and a horse live on a farm, and are good friends. They have been friends for many years, and enjoy each other's company. One day, the
horse wanders off to a far edge of the farm, and gets stuck in a mud bog. The chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to the farmer's house, but the farmer is gone. The chicken searches frantically for a solution while the horse continues to sink. Finally, the chicken sees the farmer's Harley Davidson in the garage, grabs some rope, drives the Harley across the farm, ties the rope it to the horse, and pulls him free. The horse was very happy, and thanked the chicken profusely.

About a week later, the chicken was wandering in the same area of the farm, and gets stuck in the same bog. The horse heard the chicken's screams, and immediately rushed to his aid. Realizing that he was large enough to straddle the small bog, he simply stretched over, and then informed the chicken to grab onto his dangly thing, and the horse would pull him free. The chicken did as instructed and was spared his life. The moral of the story is.....you don't need to be hung like a horse to ride a Harley, but it does help you pick up chicks.

[Joe G]

Originally Posted by Alloy Dave

.....you don't need to be hung like a horse to ride a Harley, but it does help you pick up chicks.

.

[TOMMY GUN]

Hey Joe, you still out there??


Joe?



Joe?



http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...years-run.html


Joe?

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by TOMMY GUN

Hey Joe, you still out there??


Joe?



Joe?



http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...years-run.html


Joe?

Say it isn't so Joe!

[Alloy Dave]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

:mafia20smile:

[BADGIRL500]

Originally Posted by TOMMY GUN

Hey Joe, you still out there??


Joe?



Joe?



http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...years-run.html


Joe?

[Johnny Dangerously]

Son:"Daddy when I grow up, I want to be a pilot!
Father: "I'm sorry son.You can't do both!"