Carnut's Family Legacy

[Carnut]

I was going through some old belongings and found some letters from old Grampa Vito. I found out how he came to America and why, it is really shocking.

Because you guys get bored too easily I am going to post portions at a time and when I think of some new lies er a I mean find some more pages I will post them.



Memoirs of Vito Carnutiloni. 1906

When I was just a young squirrel in Sicily we only had olive trees, not an acorn to be found anyway unless you dealt with family. I hated olives and the more of them I ate the more I wanted acorns. I craved them, I desired them from afar, I would do just about anything for them.

One day, one of other squirrels told me I could have all the acorns I wanted if I would just deliver a package to the Godfather on the hill. To a young squirrel such as me, this sounded like the answer to my dreams. Acorns at last.

I took the job, and took charge of the package. I dutifully started down the cobble stone street, holding onto that package like it was gold. Things were going pretty well when I noticed woodpecker following me. I began to wonder why was this guy following me, what could he want. “Oh my goodness gracious, he is after the package”, I thought. I needed to be careful. There would be no excuses if I didn’t deliver to the Godfather.

I kept watching the woodpecker, waiting for my opportunity. The woodpecker got distracted when we passed by the old church with its massive wooden doors and I slipped around the corner. I had escaped for now and began to run to Godfathers place. Without further incident, I made it. I was out of breath and overheated, but relieved.

Just then I noticed a hole in the bag. I sniffed and it was the sweetest most tempting aroma. ACORNS !!!! Pure sweet delicious forbidden acorns! Oh it couldn’t hurt to eat just one, no one will ever know. I mean, no one is going to count acorns, that would be crazy. Maybe if I just licked one, what harm could there be in that.

Gee, I don’t know, I thought, maybe I can just look at it. With that, I slipped a tiny acorn out of the hole in the bag. It was such a gorgeous shade of tan, set off by its wonderful crown and stem. It should be crown for the king. I sniffed it and it teased me back with special nutty smell. Oh lord, what nirvana, food for the Gods.

Then I licked it, it tasted so good. I couldn’t stop. Before I knew it, the entire acorn was gone. Well, too late, if I just pretend nothing happened, no one will know just one acorn is missing. It was a small one, there is no way too tell. I knew one thing; I better make my delivery before anymore disappeared. I take a deep breath and knock on the gate.

After a few minutes, a man comes to the gate. “Watcha you want?” he says. I tell him I have a delivery for the Godfather, Vincente Lupura. He replies, “We no order pizza”. Oh no, I have a special package for him from Uncle Joegy. He opens that gate and tells me to follow him. I am starting to have my doubts about the missing acorn but it is too late. We enter the big house and go down the hall. The man knocks on the door to the library, opens the door and we go in.


There sits the Godfather himself, behind this huge oak desk. In the corner is a huge wooden bin, probably oak too, filled with packages that looked like mine. The man leaves me alone with the Godfather. He is smoking the best nut flavored cigar I think I have ever smelled. Finally, he said, “You gotta something’ for me from that rat Uncle Joegy”

Immediately I said, “Yes sir Godfather, all safe and sound, straight from Uncle to you.” He said, “Yeah, I know, the woodpecker told me. He also told me something else, you know what that could be?”.

Crap, what could the woodpecker have told him? I lost him in a knothole in town. “No I don’t. I just brought your package”, I squeeked. Godfather continues, “You’re a squirrel ain’t you, and you lika acorns don’t you?” I was ready to pee right on the floor. So I answered “Uh yes sir, I am a squirrel but I really don’t like acorns, never have. I really prefer olives.”

Silence. Finally he turns around, puts a shotgun on his desk, takes a hard look at me and says.

“Okay Acorn Breath, you know I know, and you know whatta happens to those who steal from the Godfather, don’t you? I’m a gonna give you two choices, ana you betta make the right one, capish? I don’t lika that rat, Joegy, sending you squirrels on acorn deliveries. I keepa tellin’ him no more squirrels. They stinka up the place when I gotta snuff him. Itsa too much to aska a squirrel to bringa me my acorns, they always eat ‘em.
Ima gonna maka you choice for you. You gotta take out Uncle Joegy. And the woodpecker is a gonna go with you to make sure. GOT IT?”

I nod my little squirrel head, and he hands me the shotgun. The wood pecker pops out from around the corner and is holding the shells. (Shotgun shells, not acorn shells). He nods towards the door and we leave the Godfather. Sheesh that was close I’m thinking but what the heck, Uncle Joegy is gonna go down, better him than me, right.

How am I going to do this? Surely he will see the shotgun, and figure it out. Then he will kill me first, that’s not good. I have to come up with a plan. And I have to get rid of that snitch wood pecker.

As we head back to town, I have the old squirrel brain working overtime. That’s hard work too. We arrive back at Uncle Joegy’s Pizza Palace and the woodpecker hands me the shells. I load the shotgun and cock the hammers. The wood pecker opens the back door and motions for me to go in. I walk in quietly and hear Uncle Joegy snoozing, probably from too much pizza and beer. The wood pecker nudges me. I take a few steps closer and all of the sudden I slip on an acorn.

Down I go, the shotgun goes off and …………………………..

[black vert ss]

Great story. But you really need to get out of the house more.

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by Carnut

...The wood pecker nudges me. I take a few steps closer and all of the sudden I slip on an acorn.

Down I go, the shotgun goes off and …………………………..

You blew away the pecker...
You blew the pecker's pecker off...
You made a mess on the wall similar to a squirrel through a shredder...
The wood pecker's new name is Splat Daddy...
You woke up Uncle Joegi...
You found out you're shooting blanks...

[Carnut]

Originally Posted by Johnny Dangerously

You blew away the pecker...
You blew the pecker's pecker off...
You made a mess on the wall similar to a squirrel through a shredder...
The wood pecker's new name is Splat Daddy...
You woke up Uncle Joegi...
You found out you're shooting blanks...

Be patient, I'm looking for more pages. Damn this is interesting stuff.:mafia20smile:

[TOMMY GUN]

:mafia20smile:

[Mr. White]

I like this thread! LMAO!

[Carnut]

I found another envelope, maybe there is more in there. Let you know.

[Joe G]

Slow day at the acorn factory, Carnut??
















BTW - I love your stories!!

I thought you were a gypsy??

[Carnut]

Originally Posted by Joe G

Slow day at the acorn factory, Carnut??
















BTW - I love your stories!!

I thought you were a gypsy??

All will be revealed later.:mafia20smile:

[Alloy Dave]

Carnut, I got one thing to say to you................

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by Carnut

Be patient, I'm looking for more pages. Damn this is interesting stuff.:mafia20smile:

Patience is not in my vocabulary. I can't even spell it.

WHERE'S THE REST OF THE STORY?!?!?!?!

[TOMMY GUN]

Squirrels!

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by TOMMY GUN

Squirrels!

Can't train 'em. Can't kill 'em...Oh wait, we can kill 'em.:Riflefiring:

[TOMMY GUN]

.


...the only animal that stands in the middle of the street when speeding cars are going by. No wonder they become road cakes.:mafia20smile:



.

[Carnut]

Ok I found a couple more pages, Gramp Pa sure lived in fast lane.

More on Vito Carnutoloni

………………..to my horror, there are wood pecker feathers all over the place. Not only are there feather, but the blood and the guts and woodpecker crap. Uncle Joegy jumps up and is yelling. “What the fredora happened?”

I tell him the whole sordid story, except the part about me licking the acorn. I didn’t want him thinking I was dishonest or anything. We have to do something with the woodpecker before the Godfather finds out. And I have to get my little squirrel butt out of town too. Uncle Joegy says not to worry, he has a plan.

“We gonna scrape up thata darn woodpecker and putim in thisa bowl. You gonna maka the sauce, I gonna choppa him up. You gotta maka some dough too.” So we set out scraping, chopping, kneeding and stirring. Pretty soon, Uncle Joegy puts everything together and into the oven. Man, I can’t believe what we were doing but we had to cover our asses.

Uncle Joegy gets out placard and writes down,

NEW MENU ITEM
Chicken Peckerini
Free Pepsi

I can’t believe it, what a mind Uncle Joegy has. So much for that stupid woodpecker. Now to figure out how to get me out of town. No, make it out of Sicily. Make it, I’m going to America. Horray. They have oak trees there and lots of them. I can make my fortune. Now to work on a plan, it won’t be long before the Godfather starts missing that jerkwad woodpecker.

To set my plan in motion, we need a distraction, a wood woodpecker. What a brilliant idea. But I’m not a carpenter or a sculptor, I need the yellowed pages. Right on page XVII, I find it. Allonzo Daverini, Wood Artist. Will work for anything. So I get on it right away, I contact Allonzo and tell him what I want. I tell to him his mouth shut or else. (Of course we know that won’t happen with Allonzo Daverini).

Soon the woodpecker decoy is done. I sneak out the back and place him in the top of the Godfather’s tallest olive tree. The heat is off for a little while, giving me a chance to work on my escape. This is going to have to be a really clever plan because the Lapura family has spies everywhere.

Uncle Joegy tells me he was planning on sending his lovely daughter to America anyway and now was as good a time as any. He was going to catch a lot of heat from the Lupura gang over this one. But he said he wasn’t going to send her without a trustworthy escort.

Well that leaves me out, I am kind of a sneak, tee hee. So, I guess we need to find someone. The woodpecker is dead and diner so that leaves him out. This is going to be tough.


Later that evening a black Mini Cooper pulls up the pizza joint. Out gets the Godfather, and he is drunk as hell. He can’t even stand up with his two cousin. They were really some bad cats but that’s another story, maybe. They come in, the cousins said the Godfather has gotten into the vino and was playing around with his tommy gun. He saw a bird in olive tree and shot hell out of it. After it was all over, he realized he shot his old friend the woodpecker and was pretty upset. So they decided to get him some pizza, maybe cheer him up.

Uncle Joegy was chuckling under his breath but gained his composure long enough to ask what they wanted. One of the bad cats asks about the new chicken, Joegy says its great. Three orders of Chicken Peckerini he says, and Pepsi. So much for the woodpecker.

So the Godfather and the bad cats finish their dinner. Godfather says to Uncle Joegy, “ You seen thata rat squirrel around here, you know, thata one with the acorn breath. He come up short on the delivery. I’ma gonna let it go thisa time cause the chicken was so good. How a bout another Pepsi.”

Pretty soon, the Godfather tires of his night of mourning and decides to hit the road. He kept muttering about what he was going to do with the rat squirrel. He tells the cats that he could sure use a woodpecker about now. Strange person, evidently he never heard of Viagra.

It was quite a day, and I need to get some sleep. I figured I could finalize my plan in the morning. Since I didn’t know who would double cross me next, I had to find a safe place. And the safest place I could think of was the boudoir of Uncle Joegy’s lovely daughter. I snuck in and ……………………………………..

[Johnny Dangerously]

The Chronicles of an Italian Nut continues after a brief intersession...

[Carnut]

Originally Posted by Johnny Dangerously

The Chronicles of an Italian Nut continues after a brief intersession...

Ah, you are not reading carefully, we are in Sicily.

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by Carnut

Ah, you are not reading carefully, we are in Sicily.

My bad.

The Chronicles of a Sicilian Nut continues after a brief proofreading & intermission.

[TOMMY GUN]

....give me a few minutes to compose myself before you tell the rest.



.

[Johnny Dangerously]

Originally Posted by TOMMY GUN

....give me a few minutes to compose myself before you tell the rest.
.

Are you out of the bathroom yet?