Carnut's Family Legacy

[Carnut]

[68fastback]

Originally Posted by Joe G

Glad the story is finally moving forward again.


You let it go stale like last time and you and me gonna have a talk.


-

Translation:

You letta ita go stala lika da lassa tima ana you ana me gonna hava da talk



---

Carnut, you do have a wonderfully engaging way with words ...really!

[Johnny Dangerously]

He's baaaaack!


`

[Carnut]

Alright, here's more. Poor Vito.


Uncle Joegy starts tugging on my sleeve. Geez Joegy, what a time for this. He keeps tugging and finally says, “Vito, doanna shoot him, please” Okay, what is it now. Finally I said, “WHAT?”

“Thatza mia Pizza, I order,” he says. “I gotta hungry waitin a here.”

Great, just great.

Uncle Joegy pays the kid, gets his pizzas and we cross the street. I should have never allowed Joegy to meet me here. He’s going to really screw this up, I just know it. To top it off, once he finishes those pizzas, that gurgling noise is going to build into something awful. Something so awful, I just don’t want to even think about it.

Finally we make it to the gate at Maddimus’ front yard. The latch was broken and it was just creaking back and forth from Joegy’s hard breath. I told him to knock it off. This could be serious.

Keeping a sharp lookout, well me anyway, we make our way up to the porch. I listened for while and could only hear that incessant gurgling. Joegy starts searching for the key in the flower pot. “Nevermind Joegy”, I said. “It’s open” I eased the door open with the barrel of the Colt. It was pitch black, the silence was eerie (except for Joegy’s gurgling) I could just make out a huge pile of mail on the floor.

I fumbled for the light switch, it worked.

The light was a little dim. Maddimus was kind of a cheap skate so he always used the smallest light bulbs that he could. Anyway, after noticing nothing else too much out of place, we entered. I closed the door behind me and made sure the drapes were pulled tight.

Nothing looked too bad, just a bunch of sloppy housekeeping. I told Uncle Joegy to go upstairs and look around. He whined a bit about it being dark and he didn’t have a gun and it was along way up there and he hadn’t finished his pizza. Finally I told him he would have a gun up his ass and wouldn’t need any pizza if he didn’t. I know, that could be dangerous in Joegy’s condition, all that pizza and gurgling. Well he went grudgingly up the start. I heard a loud boom. “Turn on a light,” I hollered.

I did the once around the first floor. Again, nothing looked out of place except for the previously mention poor housekeeping habits. Okay, so he’s slob. I gathered up all the mail and sifted through it looking for a clue. I put the more interesting stuff in my coat pocket.

I decided to go up the stairs and see how Joegy was making out. When I got to the top of the stairs, it hit me like a ton of bricks,something had died up here. I hoped it wasn’t Maddimus, the man who helped me get to America, the man who helped me get my start in Mafia, the man who helped me find the love of my life.

I began to tear up. Hey, wait a minute. I realized that smell wasn’t a decomposing body, it was a decomposing pizza. That darn Joegy. Just then I heard a double flush down the hall, then the sound of the plunger and a couple more double flushes. “Open the window”, I called out. Like I said earlier, I should have come by myself.

Upon a thorough search of the upstairs, we didn’t find anything. I was just about ready to leave, when I saw a hand hanging out from under the covers. It was really strange looking. I pulled the covers down.

It was dead lady. Shot between the eyes. She must have been here for a awhile, she was completely flat and her skin looked like latex. It was really kind of gross. As I looked for for identifying marks, I noticed a tattoo. ACME Rubber Products was all I could make out at first. Then I noticed a town. Las Vegas, Nevada. Maybe she was from Vegas. What strange place for a tattoo. Maybe it was one of those tramp stamps I heard about.

There was some other stuff, but I didn’t want to touch it or even think about. Yuck.

Uncle Joegy and I headed back downstairs. We didn’t find anything that really gave us a clue to where Maddimus was. We agreed to talk more later, but I needed to get back to my darling little bride. I just hoped she wasn’t as big as a house when I got home.

Uncle Joegy headed for his car, popping Gas-X and Tums as he went. I crossed the street and returned to my big gas hog Lincoln V-16. What the heck, the dinosaurs had it coming. As I got into the car, I noticed a note on the seat. It was addressed to me and said “Do not open until you are contacted”.

This note sure added a little more drama to the evening. I was pretty sure it wasn’t a coupon book and I was dying to see what it said. Then I thought, maybe there was something to this kidnapping thing and I could put Maddimus in danger. I turned the key and the Lincoln roared to life. I put it in gear and started home.

On the way, I kept getting this strange feeling I was being followed. But everytime I checked the mirror, I saw no lights. Yet, the squirrel hair on the back of my neck just kept bristling. The feeling got worse the closer I got to my home.

I walked in and my little sweet cakes was standing there with her paws on her every increasingly fatter hips. “Well?”, she said. “Where is it?” Puzzled, I asked, “Where’s what?”.

“My ice cream and the other stuff,” she proclaimed. With that, I knew why my squirrel hair was bristling. I began searching for the right words when………………………

[Birdman]

Just then I heard a double flush down the hall, then the sound of the plunger and a couple more double flushes. “Open the window”, I called out. Like I said earlier, I should have come by myself.

[Carnut]

The phone rang. Saved by the bell, or so I thought. It was the restaurant down the street. “Your order is ready, shall we deliver it?”

More food? How much more could she eat? I had some thinking to do and didn’t have time to deal with this. I told him to bring it on out. Then I had a brilliant idea, I told him to charge it to Uncle Joegy. After all, it was his fault I was out this evening and I thought he should pay a little.

My snickering didn’t last long because I needed to tell Sugar Plum about her food order before I got in any more trouble.

So in the best cheerful voice I could muster I said. “Your food is on its way over, they had trouble getting a truck. I mean ah…….crap………a delivery van………er…….ah…………a delivery person.” I was in for it now. The glare from across the room could have melted the rock in Mount Vesuvius. I inched towards the study and closed the door. Then I locked it……………. then I swallowed the key.

As I sat there pondering a number of things, I wondered who or why anyone would kidnap Maddimus, or not. Why was Carlotta turning into the Hindenberg? Why was I on the Bad Karma list? This whole evening was kind of strange. I decided I needed a little acorn brandy.

The next thing I remembered was waking up on the floor. My poor little head hurt as if someone had hit me with a sap. Ohhhh, man, I needed some aspirin or something. My eyes were blurry. I fumbled around the roll top desk and finally, in the last drawer, I found a bottle of Bayer. I chucked down a paw full and searched for something to wash it down with.

I found a glass and filled it seltzer water from the little mini bar. Oh I shouldn’t have drank so much. Just then, in the reflection of the mirror, I notice blood on the side of my head. I realized someone really did hit me on the head. The truck comment I made to my little darling wasn’t that bad. I needed to find out what was going on. Oh oh, I swallowed the key, great. I’ll have to sit on the can forever waiting for that.

Well, eventually I did my duty and found the key. I don’t think I will do that again. I unlocked the door and opened it a crack. Not knowing how anybody had been able to knock me out, I was a little cautious.

If the chow hound was still on the prowl, I didn’t want to add another goose egg to my over traumatized skull. On the other hand, it might have been someone else. So I called out gently, “Carlotta”. No answer brought out “CARLOTTA”. Ouch that hurt and I’m not doing that again. I decided I better try and find her.

After a thorough search of the house, I found no Carlotta. I bet she went down to that fat depot again. Just wait till she comes home. I was ready to head down there when………

[68fastback]

;-)

[Joe G]

Originally Posted by 68fastback

Translation:

You letta ita go stala lika da lassa tima ana you ana me gonna hava da talk

-

[Joe G]

Oh, and Carnut???















You're cruisin' for a bruisin' buster.


Wanna feel what it's like to be Miserable for a week or 2??


-

[Alloy Dave]

Mr. Nut, I found a pic of you at your family reunion recently.

[Alloy Dave]

Must have been a good reunion.

[Carnut]

Originally Posted by Alloy Dave

Mr. Nut, I found a pic of you at your family reunion recently.

Attachment 8031

I wondered where that Camera went.

[Alloy Dave]

Originally Posted by Carnut

I wondered where that Camera went.

I think you were posting when I put up the other ones...go back and look.

[Carnut]

Originally Posted by Alloy Dave

I think you were posting when I put up the other ones...go back and look.

Carnut got lucky, woo hoo.

[Shlbylvr]

I love the Giraffe Love!!

[Shlbylvr]

And the family picnic did not have a happy ending.

[twobjshelbys]

Originally Posted by Alloy Dave

Mr. Nut, I found a pic of you at your family reunion recently.

Attachment 8031

Carnut was very young then. This is a 70's camera. All in all, a good documentary.

[Carnut]

Originally Posted by twobjshelbys

Carnut was very young then. This is a 70's camera. All in all, a good documentary.

I think that is the same camera I had with me in Funny Country.

[68fastback]

Carnut had a 'nanny' when he was just a ...well ...ummm ...tiny.

YouTube - Unconditional Love

[Shlbylvr]

AWW that is cute.